Dear Me.

Prompt: Write a letter to the parts of you that are still hurting.

Dear Me,

I know you're feeling lost, sad, hurt, angry, confused, lonely. I know you aren't sure when these feelings will subside. I wish I knew the answer to that too.

To my heart- you feel heavy, weighed down. You feel more like a gaping hole than you do a heart. I can still feel you beating when I concentrate but it feels distant and faint. How can you be so open yet so closed off? You either love too much or not enough. When will you make space to love ME? Why do you only feel right when you're loving someone else? You and I both know that if/when that love isn't returned, you'll shut down. So, what is keeping you from loving me? I don't know how to fix you, how to fill the hole you've left in my chest. You are a part of me, the beat that keeps me breathing. You are supposed to love me.

To my voice- I know you're tired. Every time I open my mouth, I can feel you straining to make a sound. You are used to not being heard so I understand why you are wavering. I feel useless with you. I don't want to keep expending energy to use you when I know it will be a waste. I used to like the sound of you. I used to have conversations with myself out loud and found comfort in you. But here I am feeling like a stranger to you. I don't use you to sing along to my favorite songs in the car anymore. I hardly use you to laugh anymore. I wish I knew how to find pride in you and give you the strength to not waver or crack.

To my eyes- you were always a strength of mine. You made me feel bold, beautiful, brave. You were what connected me to everyone and everything. You found the energy in others' eyes and held us still in a moment in time. I look at you now and hardly even recognize you. You're different - smaller, duller, darker. You've aged more than you should've. You fixate on the ground or off into space now; only looking up when my name is called. You don't hold my confidence anymore. I can't say I blame you; we've locked eyes with so much evil. I still think you're pretty and I am beyond lucky to have you. I just don't see myself in you anymore and that hurts me.

I do not know where we go from here. I feel so detached from each of you. I miss the way you all used to make me feel. I miss having courage, strength, stamina to use you. I am sorry for being the force that got us here. I'm sorry for not tending to you the way I want to.

I don't know where we go from here, but I hope that one day, someday soon, I will find my way back to you.

Forgive me.

Yours,

V.

06/28/2023