Coercion.

"You don't want to help me out?"

"We've done it before, why can't we do it again?"

"But what about our history? We were together for years."

"Doesn't this feel right to you?"

"Come on, it'll be quick!"

"I've wanted this for so long, don't you want it too?"

"Not even a pity hand job?"

A pity hand job.

Those are all things that have been said to me by a man who wanted something that I did not want to give. I find myself wondering why these people would want me so bad when I clearly didn’t want it back. Why would they want someone who is not expressing the same interest? What makes people think it is okay to say things like that to another person? I cannot imagine EVER asking someone for anything as crude as what has been asked of me. I do not know why the words above have been swirling in my thoughts lately. I don't want them there. Is it because I explored intimacy again with someone new? Is it because I do not feel fulfilled? Is it because I still think of P and am reminded of the disrespect that so many men have showed toward my body?

It could be any of those things that have brought these memories back. I feel so detached from my body and I am unsure of how to find my way back. Sometimes I wish that I could be invisible and that nobody would look at me. I feel uncomfortable thinking of the ways that people have laid eyes on me in unsavory ways. I am not an asexual person; I know that for a fact. But lately, it has felt as if I am. I want intimacy and touch and sex but not with a single person. How does that make sense?

I just want to crawl out from underneath my skin and find a new, untouched, unharmed, uncoerced one.

Unharmed.

Untouched.

Uncoerced.

New.

06/15/2023