CLAIMING MY TRUTH.

This post will not be prose. This post is entirely just for me. Granted, I know that not many people look at this page anymore, if anyone does at all. But I want to empower myself here today. I have finally reached a point where I am accepting my experience with sexual assault. I am taking it and owning it and no longer shying away from it. I don't want to speak about it in vague and general words that shield myself and everyone I love from the truth. For the first time ever, I told my journal, my therapist, my sister, and a very select few friends. I am no longer afraid to consider myself a victim. I am CLAIMING MY TRUTH. I will say it here the way I said it in my journal; I was raped. I was raped by a man that I loved. No, he didn't tie me up or hold me down. He didn't threaten my life. He was my partner, one I saw a future with. My therapist told me that I went into, what she calls, mannequin mode. I detached my body from my mind and went limp. I did not move, I did not make a sound. He pushed me over and took me. Shortly before he did, he asked if I wanted to, I said no, and he replied "no?". I do not remember if I said a word after that because I could already see what was happening and I put my mind elsewhere. He pushed me over onto the bed, hinging at my waist, my face in the sheets, my feet on the ground, and in an instant, he was inside of me. I couldn't tell you how long he was there, it probably wasn't for more than a few minutes. I also couldn't tell you where my mind was other than miles from my body. Almost immediately afterward, he departed from my house to drive back to the far away state where he was residing at the time. He used me, abused me, and left me. Granted, I did not want him there after that but still, he left me. If he did feel strange about that experience, I couldn't tell.

I am very well aware that this experience could've been a million times worse. But that does NOT negate the facts of what happened. I put those degrading thoughts in my head for years, six years to be exact. I told myself that he didn't force me, that it was a misunderstanding, that I should've fought for my body more. But reflecting on where I was in life at that time has helped me to understand that I did what I could in the state that I was in. My parents had just separated a month or two before this moment after my father cheated on my mama- not for the first time. I had communicated to my partner that I was struggling with the idea of any kind of relationship with a man after finding out that the one man in my life who seemed to be honest and true to his portrayed morals, was actually dishonest and not someone who lived up to the standards he held for others. I was broken and lost and in the absolute thick of it still living with my mama and caring for her, keeping her afloat. My partner could not understand why my relationship with my father would affect our relationship. I get why he didn't understand but that does not validate his behavior toward me. He didn't have to understand to support me and keep me safe. He didn't have to understand to help me regain trust in men. I hadn't had a sex drive in weeks and I could see that that was really starting to frustrate him. I tried though. I would like to give myself credit now for the effort I did put in to keep our sex life alive. But frankly, I did not want him touching me in intimate ways at all. I didn't mind hand holding, cuddling, slight kissing. I minded everything else but still, I tried.

I do not really feel like sharing the rest of the details pertaining to the situation in this writing. I feel slightly drained just from writing the words above. But the message that matters most is that I am a victim of partner rape. I am a victim but that will no longer define me. I will identify with the term for the rest of my life but now I feel as though I can do so shamelessly and without self loathing. I no longer care about his feelings. I no longer care to shield him from my truth and never tell my story of out "respect" for him. Actually...I do not care about how he feels about this at all anymore. I used to want him to validate me and confirm what I already know to be true. I used to want him to apologize. I used to want him to feel what I feel. But now, I couldn't care less. THAT is how I am claiming my truth. I am making it about me the way it should have always been. After years worth of self hate, of self harm, of distrusting everything and everyone, I finally feel like I am free. He has no power over me. I have power over me. 2018 me did not have power over anything but I am redeeming her now and showing her that there is strength in acceptance and sharing our story. August 8th, 2024 is the day that I CLAIMED MY TRUTH and I can guarantee that I will never, ever look back.

08/08/2024