ugH.

I fell into a hole tonight. A hole filled with nothing but you. I immersed my mind deep into the memory of that one time. That time you were wandering the streets, out of your mind, looking for death. I drove up and down South Boulevard praying to every god in the sky that I would find you out there. My heart was right and led me right to you. I forced you into my car and I drove you home. We sat on your front steps for a while and I stayed there and watched you break down. You told me how much it hurt. You kept looking down at your veins and telling me how much it hurt. I felt an overwhelming dread take over me and drain the color out of my face. I had never seen you like that before...in fact, I had never seen anyone like that before. You were scaring me so much but kept telling me how I shouldn't be there and how much you didn't want me there. All I wanted was to hold you and keep you safe until your mind was at ease again. You did not want that. You kept telling me to leave but how could I ever leave the love of my life alone outside to spiral into the delusion that the drugs were creating. At some point after telling me that I should leave you to die, you wandered into your backyard and didn't look back at me. I followed you shortly after to make sure you were at least on your own property, and you were. I tried and tried to call you to make sure you were inside safely. You'd answer and speak nonsense that only scared me further. Looking back, I wish I would have just followed you all the way in. Two years deep into loving you, why wouldn't I say fuck it and just go inside with you? I did what I thought was respectful in the moment but I sure do regret that.

I know you were at war with yourself about the decisions that you made that broke us. That night, you told me that I was everything and now I didn't need you. I wish you could've grasped how wrong you were when you said that. I searched up and down the road in the dead of night looking for you because you were everything. I would never have recovered if something happened to you that night. The experience of sitting beside the deepest love I've ever felt and seeing you lose your grip and hurt yourself was one of the most haunting moments I have ever experienced. I didn't sleep that night. I cried. I heaved. I hurt. We were only together for an hour and a half that night, yet it feels like we were together for a lifetime. I kept calling you throughout the night and at one point, you finally answered and stayed on the line with me long enough for me to hear that you were finally asleep. You had such a specific type of breath after you had fallen asleep. Those breathing patterns put me to sleep for years and hearing them over the phone was nothing short of a relief. I left you alone for the night after that and just let you sleep hoping and praying that I would hear from you the next day.

One of the sickest things about the hole I fell in tonight, is that I would take another moment like that between us over never seeing you or speaking to you again. I drive up and down memory lane regularly just to catch a glimpse of you once more and remind myself of the way you embedded yourself into me. How is it that we shared that moment together and you probably don't feel the same about me? Why couldn't we just surrender to each other and find our way back? How could I have been everything but you never came back to me? At one point you said to my mother that "when it comes to her, nothing is insurmountable". But how could you feel that way and not find yourself willing to mend what you had broken? How could we share such dire and true moments like that night and not become stronger for the sake of ourselves and each other? You purposefully made it so hard to stay around for you. I know you were lost and just searching for something that would take away all feeling, you said so yourself that night. But was feeling something real and deep for me so bad? Bad enough that you would let some irrelevant people poison your veins?

Revisiting that memory tonight has reminded me of how much I did not understand you. There was a period of time where I really thought I did but I am still lost and I think that I forever will be. I would do anything to go back and hug you and tell you I loved you and that nothing would change that. I wish I could tell you that you are worthy of love, that you had all of the potential to be worthy of my love. Falling into this hole tonight just reminded me of how much I wish I could talk to you, to ease my wondering about you. I know you do not want that; you have made that clear. I will not reach out to you, but I hope that when I have all of these thoughts and feelings, that your ears ring or your nose itches. I hope that my vibration towards you is strong enough for you to feel it even with all of this immense physical and emotional distance between us.

This love is unrequited, and it always will be. I just hope that you never forget about me. You will live in my head and my heart forever and always. I'll see you again in the next hole that calls for me. Goodnight, sweet......

02/22/2023